The Politician’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
How I’m Helping Save Our Town
It’s been a tough few weeks. The zombie apocalypse is in full swing and I, your fearless politician, am the only one who can save us all! Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But I did do something to help slow the spread of the zombies taking over our town.
I want to be clear: I always knew this would happen one day. The scientists told us years ago that zombie uprisings were likely if we didn’t stop creating them in our secret underground laboratories. But did anyone listen? Noooooo! And now the people of my district are angry with me because they think I could have done more to stop the zombies.
They’re banging on my office door, wanting answers! And the zombies are banging on the window, trying to get in and eat my brains! It’s a total nightmare.
But let me explain what I have done so far to help during the zombie apocalypse because I’m sure it’ll come up at some point in the next debate.
My first order of business was to declare a state of emergency. That’s right, I was the one who made the call to put our town in lockdown and start rationing food, water, and toilet paper. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. And I have to say, I think my decision saved us all from becoming zombie chow. (Well, except Herb. Sorry Herb.)
Next up was working with the local authorities to clear the streets of zombies. I know, it sounds dangerous and you’re probably wondering how common politicians like me have any zombie-killing skills whatsoever. Well, we don’t. Instead, we passed a law that gave special privileges to anyone who volunteered to kill zombies. This, in turn, encouraged local youth centers and sports teams (go Panthers!) to hold zombie-killing competitions. It was all very exciting! Well, except for the part where my nephew lost his leg when a zombie bit him during practice. (Sorry Timmy.)
My final move was an absolute stroke of genius if I do say so myself. I personally called up the local fast-food franchises and asked them to start selling zombie brains. Yes, you heard me right — zombie brains! And let me tell you, it was a huge hit with the locals. My poll numbers went up ten points! Ten points! Who knew that deep-fried zombie brain tacos would be such a big seller?
I’m doing so much for this city to help curb the zombie apocalypse, but of course like all issues half of my constituents don’t like any of the moves I’ve made and started complaining about everything I’ve been doing wrong.
First, several people called into the office complaining that the state of emergency ruined their weekend plans. (Seriously people, it was a zombie apocalypse — your plans were already toast!)
Then there were the ones who thought I should have let the zombies take over so that we could all be eaten and put out of our misery. (Thanks for the vote of confidence!)
Finally, there were those who complained about my deep-fried zombie brain tacos. They said that it was a huge health hazard and suggested I take them off the market right away. To appease them, we’ve started labeling when a zombie brain is grass-fed, and also we’re working on rolling out plant-based brains sometime in the third quarter. (Are you happy now, Kevin?)
I couldn’t believe all of the complaints when everything I was doing was to try to help end the zombie apocalypse as fast as possible. I guess there’s just something about a zombie apocalypse that really brings out the worst in people.
But I’m not giving up — I’m about to roll out my most ambitious plan yet for ending this apocalypse once and for all. I’m going to give zombies the right to vote in our next town election. That way, they can elect officials who will fix the problems that made them want to become zombies in the first place!
I can tell what you’re thinking — politics doesn’t have anything to do with zombies and I probably should have left it to the military or at least a local militia that likes to think they are also part of the military. But politics and zombies have more in common than you think — they’re both set in their ways, drain your brain cells, and love the satisfaction of getting a good meal!
Next time someone asks what I did during the zombie apocalypse, please tell them that I helped slow it by using my amazing talents that got me into this office in the first place and also my uncle’s connections to the fast-food industry. (Thanks Uncle Joe! And sorry about Aunt Linda!)
Let me set the record straight right now once and for all: politics is a huge part of ending every zombie apocalypse in history! I can remember learning about the first zombie apocalypse when everyone banded together and defeated the zombies with teamwork! It was a really exciting time — everyone got to feel like they were part of the solution!
I realize this latest apocalypse hasn’t gone exactly the same way, seeing that it’s still raging on years after we first heard about the outbreak. Sure, we have guns and knives and flamethrowers and all sorts of tools to fight off the undead, but none of that matters if people don’t feel that we are winning. How people feel about an issue is just so important when you’re trying to save lives and also running for reelection.
Through all of this, I have remained steadfast in my resolve to save our town from the zombies. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job. And if you don’t believe me, just ask Herb. (He’s the one who’s still alive, right? Oh. Sorry Herb.)
Ask my Uncle Joe!
Anyway, I’m really proud of the contributions that I made to slow this zombie apocalypse. Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. I need to go deal with some constituents banging on my office door and also those zombies banging on my window. They’re getting really impatient!
- The Politician
P.S. If you want to learn more about politics and zombies, I suggest checking out my new book “The Art of the Zombie Apocalypse: How to Save Your Town (and Yourself) from the Undead.” It’s a really great read, and it’s on sale now!
