Elephant Person
Fictional Satire, Inspired by Kristen Roupenian’s “Cat Person”
She wasn’t sure what to think when he first came and sat at the corner of the bar towards the end of her shift. She was almost done bar tending for the evening and had given him little notice, other than pouring the beer he had ordered and closing out his tab after she regrettably told him the kitchen had just closed. Some stale popcorn was all that she had to offer, and he was short with her when he passed. Immediately after, he apologized, saying he had had a long day and just needed some nourishment. She put a paper bowl of the stale popcorn with way too many kernels at the bottom near him, just out of his reach so he would have to stand up and lean over the bar to get to them. He never reached.
Days later he would come in again, this time a little earlier, a little less disheveled. “Can I get you some popcorn?” she asked, and a large, involuntary guffaw came out of him. “No. No. Thank you, though. Maybe a menu, if the kitchen is still open?” He seemed to want to make up for his shortness the other night. He knew he might have been hangry, but it was still no reason to be rude. She leaned slightly over the bar when she handed him the menu. She usually did this in a flirtatious way, looking for any angle to make a slightly bigger tip, but she also thought Mr. Popcorn Man was kind of cute, in a dopey, shy guy kind of way. “I’m Celeste, by the way,” she said, as she looked into his eyes. “Nolan. I… I’m Nolan,” his voice trembled as he said the words. “It’s very nice to meet you, Celeste. For the second time, I guess.” He immediately looked down at the menu, as if those few words took all of the energy out of him, for the moment. She walked away to give him some time to decide.
After a few minutes, another bartender came up to him to take his order, but he kept saying he hadn’t decided. Celeste closed out a couple of tabs at the other side of the bar and then made her way back to Nolan. “Know what ya want?” she asked, as she took a damp towel and wiped down loose crumbs that had fallen on the bar top around him from earlier patrons. “Just a burger, I guess. Whatever’s easy.” Frustration seemed to be oozing from his voice, seemingly because she made him wait too long, even though he had other opportunities to place an order from someone that was not her. He looked up, realizing his shortness, and tried to recover. “What do you recommend?” She wondered if this was one of those times that she should recommend one of the big menu items, giving her a bigger tip because it would inevitably be a bigger bill. Nolan didn’t seem like a fancy fish or expensive steak kind of guy, though.
Celeste shrugged. “Burger’s good. I like the nachos.”
“Burger’s fine then. Thanks.”
She put in the order and waited on a few other patrons. A few of her regulars would seem to be giving her their typical you ok with that guy over there kind of look, but she always ignored them. A little smile and a nod and a refill of their bowl of popcorn and they’d be back to mindlessly watching the talking heads sports channel, even though there was no closed caption on and the volume was muted.
After a few minutes, she would hear a bell ding from the kitchen and a busser would be putting Nolan’s burger in front of him. “Thanks, Raúl.” He smiled back at her and nodded. She and Raúl had a brief fling not too long ago, and it lasted about as long as it took to make that hamburger. They were now mostly on smiling and nodding terms.
She shifted her focus back to her sometimes fussy, sometimes sweet customer. “So, may I ask what you were doing the other day that got you so exhausted that you forgot to eat?” She hoped she hadn’t just gotten too personal and immediately regretted her inquiry.
Nolan sheepishly looked at her, hesitating for a moment. “I, uh… I have an elephant at my house.” He looked at her deadpan, and she couldn’t tell how serious he was being.
“An elephant? Interesting…”
“Kind of weird, but it was something that just kind of happened. Ya know?”
“Umm, I guess. I have to say, I had no clue what your answer would be, but I didn’t expect that.” Celeste smiled and bit her bottom lip, leaning just slightly over the bar again. This was a weird way for a guy to flirt (definitely a first), but she decided to lean into it. “Can I get you anything else for now?”
“Maybe your number?”
She still wasn’t totally sure about him, but she figured, why not. As the bar got busier that night, Nolan would text her silly, innocent observations about the other patrons and occasional random emojis of elephants from across the bar. She would feel the vibration on her watch and take a glance, one time laughing out loud before looking back and smiling softly at him. He would order a beer about once an hour, seeming like he was planning to stay till the end of her shift. A few times, a regular would insist that she take a shot with him, and as she always did she would happily oblige. The boss never seemed to care as long as it kept the locals refilling their drinks.
After a few hours and a few more drinks, the night was wrapping up. Nolan was still there and she wondered where the night might take her. He didn’t quite seem her type. Actually, he was nothing like her type, but she figured he didn’t have to be for a night.
“Do you, uh... Do you maybe want to go to my place for a nightcap? I’m only a few miles away,” Nolan asked without making eye contact. She thought it was cute and endearing.
“Um, sure. But I’ll follow you in my car. It’s not good to leave it overnight. The owner next door is notorious for calling tow trucks.”
Celeste followed behind him in her tiny two-seater car to the edges of town, and then slightly beyond. She wondered what she might be getting herself into. At least, she thought to herself, she could use the mace on her key chain in the event the night took a turn. On the way, he sent an odd animated gif of a cartoon elephant saying “I got junk in my trunk,” whatever that means. She had to admit this elephant schtick was getting old.
They pulled up to a driveway and Celeste saw a cute ranch-style house with a huge porch and teardrop lights strung along the underside of the roof overhang. She got out of her car in the dark night, her surroundings only lit by the lights from the porch, the city lights dim in the background behind her. A single rocking chair sat in one corner, a small plant in the other. They met in the middle, near the front door. “Well, this is it. My place, I mean.” Nolan’s lips curled into a shy smile, his eyes looking slightly down and away after briefly glimpsing hers. Celeste decided to go for broke and leaned in and kissed him. Nolan’s shoulders hunched in surprise, and he took a half step back. He quickly recovered and then gently kissed her back.
He reached for his keys and turned towards the door. He opened it and reached around the corner for a light switch, before inviting Celeste to walk in first. She looked around and found it to be acceptable, if not a little bare. A few stuffed animals rested on the couch, mostly elephants, and she wondered if these stuffed animals were his “pet” that he alluded to earlier. They kissed again and moved towards the couch. Celeste paused. “Could I use your restroom, first?”
“Sure. It’s down the hall to the left. How about I make that nightcap? What’ll you have, bartender?”
She thought it was sweet, the way he smiled and said bartender. “Um, vodka soda, if you’ve got it.”
Nolan sprung from the couch and did a little dance on his way to the kitchen. “Coming up!”
Celeste walked down a long hallway. She realized that maybe the night was going to be all right, after all. A sense of calm came over her as she turned to the door on the right.
“Left! I said LEFT!”
It was too late. Celeste opened the bedroom door on the right to discover a fully grown elephant in the room. The stale air and smell of feces was unbearable. There was a bail of hay in a corner and strands of more hay throughout the floor. The elephant, chained from his neck and feet to a concrete post in the floorboards, left out an unbearable trumpet. So strong that Celeste could feel the vibrations rattle in her chest. She gave out a scream and covered her mouth.
“I see you’ve met Henry.”
“There’s a… an elephant! In your house!”
“I told you. No secrets.” He reached his arm out to hand her a glass. “Here.”
Celeste looked at his hand and discovered a clear bubbly drink. Presumably her vodka soda. “I… uh. I have to go.”
Nolan gave a look of disappointment. “But we were just getting started! Ok. Ok. Be honest.” He took a deep breath and looked into the bedroom before looking back at her. “Is it because I have an elephant in my house?”
“YES,” Celeste said, incredulously. “It’s because you have a freaking elephant in your house.” Celeste ran out the front door and down the porch stairs, fumbling for her car key. She held the release button on the mace canister firmly as she ran, but never had to use it.
“Maybe I’ll text you!” Nolan yelled from his front door.
“Don’t!” she yelled back, as she turned the ignition and drove away. In the rearview mirror, Celeste looked one last time at the ranch house glowing in the night from the front porch lights. This time no longer cute, but as if straight out of a horror movie.
A few weeks passed, and Celeste seemed to be getting back to her usual groove. None of her coworkers would believe her. Who would? She tried to call the police, animal control — even animal welfare organizations. They all just laughed at her, as if she was making late night prank calls. Every time the door to the restaurant would open, she would glance up, fearing Nolan would be walking in to try to explain himself, but he never did.
A few more weeks passed and Celeste nearly forgot about her crazy night with the elephant in the house, but then the text messages started rolling in. She saw the alert on her phone’s home screen with a lone elephant emoji and she knew it was him.
“I’d like to see you.”
“Henry would, too.”
“We could be a great family, if you gave us the chance.”
“Are you there?”
“Hello?”
“You know, you’re complicit in this, too.”
“You’re an accomplice to elephant theft.”
“We could both go down.”
“Fine.”
“Henry will never forgive you for this.”
“He’ll never forget.”
“Elephants never forget.”
This satirical fiction was inspired by Kristen Roupenian’s Cat Person. You can find that original piece here: “Cat Person” | The New Yorker
